A weird component of running a page like this while my kids are 5 and 6, not grown, is that I’m still in the middle of this. It’s not theoretical and it’s not like I’m reflecting on years ago.
Trying to find the balance between not oversharing about my personal life and my kids’ stories, while still being truthful and authentic, is an ongoing balance. Especially during times like right now, when everything is still transitional, and really, REALLY challenging.
My kids are too out-of-whack and perpetually low-grade dysregulated from the move and the trip to be left unsupervised for a few minutes, because they’ll instantly, impulsively, get into things they shouldn’t. Including at three in the morning, apparently.
My kids are too young to accept that there’s a whole lot I can’t do for them while I can’t walk, so all of the extra grace and care that they’re used to asking for—like asking me to do things for them, even if they can do it, just to feel cared for—I can’t do. And they can feel however they feel about that, and how they feel is maaaaaad.
My kids still need high amounts of physical care to meet their needs like eating, drinking, toileting, hygiene…
This is so much right now. Parenting is always a lot, but this is an extra lot. And I know there are a lot of people who it’s also an extra lot for right now. There are so many scenarios I can think of that would add stressors on top of stressors.
We’re trying really hard to find our balance. I’d really like this page to continue to have posts on it, and it’s not that hard for me to reschedule a bunch of old posts to re-post, so they’re still out there, still reaching new people and helping people. I guess sometimes it just makes me feel like I’m faking something if I’m talking like I have all the answers.
Or, more likely, if no matter what I’m saying, that’s what people are hearing—that everything is great for me and I never lose my crap scream-crying at my kid that I physically *can’t* carry a 30 pound box of trains, because I can’t walk or stand on two feet, while he throws stuff at me and yells that I’m not helping him on purpose and that I’m fired. (Thanks, Boss Baby.)
I’m doing this live. Parenting is hard. Being an adult is hard. Being a kid is hard. Moving countries is hard. Living at a new house is hard. Having a messed-up leg is hard.
I’m gonna set it up so that there’s some posts on here that will probably be some old stuff. I especially wanted to re-share some old back to school related stuff because it’s that time in the States. I need to be able to do something with my brain sometimes. I want to.
I just—even while “this page” is talking, and sharing, and philosophizing, I’m down here in the dirt building with my hands next to you. Trying to make something good. Not sure if I’m always doing it right. Sometimes just surviving. And mostly just showing up and trying.
